I have the attention span of a toddler and a memory span of a 90 year-old all conveniently (dis)arranged in a 17-year-old wreck of a soul. I am not a noun. I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process, an integral function of the universe. I’m simply a human fill-in-the-blank.
This will serve as my outlet and where I shall vent. This is also a place for my ramblings and my interests. I will post whatever tickles my fancy, catches my eye and flips my ship. My blog is never consistent; but expect rants, thoughts and pictures. Pictures aren't mine unless stated.
About Me x #cheeseberber
Facebook | Formspring
ask
31 | 6:49 PM
Things would be a lot easier if I could just forget you. I’ve been stabbed in my heart and I don’t think the wound will ever heal completely. Your name is the scar that will forever remain. There will always be the hope that one day, you’ll come speak to me. That one day you will explain. That one day I’ll get the answers & solve the puzzle.
What hurts the most is that you know that I could need your shoulder to lean on. You know, I crave the feeling of your arms around me and your voice telling me that everything will be okay. Your whispers full of strength and reassurance and promises that we’ll make it through all of this mess. Your inspirational texts that jumpstart my day and keep me up and going. Your scent and the wonderful smile that welcomes me everytime you catch a glimpse of me.
I kind of broke down the last time we saw each other because I didn’t have the strength to hold up all those walls any longer that I built around myself to protect my heart. I really thought you told the truth. I thought I knew you at least that well that I could believe you when you said that I’m important to you and believe in your promises. I guess I was wrong. You told me that you’ll always be there for me. But then you turned and walked away and I was left alone on this cliff, being on the border between jumping and falling because your disappearance delivered a blow to my foundation and left me shaking to my core. I thought there was truth in your eyes but now, looking back, I only see lies that cover up the emptiness in your words.
You left me at this state with all my broken and shattered pieces. I honestly don’t know what to feel anymore. I guess I’m back to that blank state where I just have to recollect myself and pick up all the broken pieces to fix myself all over again. But even after fixing the broken pieces, it doesn’t change the fact I was broken to begin with, one still be able to see the cracks. Constantly being broken and shattered will just make me stronger but it will also keep me more cautious about who I begin to trust myself with. I’m tired of always being the one left behind to wonder. I’m tired of everything. I care so much about others more than I do about myself that I end up not even caring about my feelings until I notice what I’m actually doing to myself. Another’s feelings matter more than mine. I’m too much of a good person. That’s why I end up shattered.
The saddest kind of sad, is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know when you try to bite your lip and not cry and smile and say, “No, I’m happy”? That’s when it’s really sad. Should our paths ever cross again, I think I will just look away, close my eyes, swallow the pain and turn away.
So I guess this is it. This is my final goodbye to you.
I would slap you, but that’d be animal abuse.
People who take their time pointing out every single imperfection in an individual usually have the most, themselves. People are so quick to judge on looks and how they act when they have yet to actually get to know the person better. Those people who are jealous, insecure, & constantly hating on others are those who have the most to hide themselves. That just shows you’re already better than they are, so excuse them.
Jokes are meant to be funny not hurtful. Sure, you can laugh at anything because it doesn’t concern you but have you ever took the chance to actually step into another person’s shoe? Crossing the line too many times is enough. Please be considerate of others and don’t be an asshole.
Trust me, I can tolerate a lot. But when a person crosses the line and disrespects? Don’t expect me to sit still and stay quiet. There’s a line between being funny and being fucking annoying. As of now, you are annoying.
|
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.] |
And I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle but now I’m not sure. I can’t save you if you don’t let me. You just get me like I never been gotten before.
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.
New found love = Sleep!
I just love leaving reality and reaching new heights in a newly created dreamland. For those mere hours in my sleep state, I’m gone from reality and into a different world inside my head just for some time, I have no worries at all. I dream about having a life full of my wildest imaginations. Anything is possible and feels real inside my head. But it’s bittersweet, knowing that I will wake up and realize I’m back in my own realms of the real world. It hurts knowing that only the things you want can happen in your dreams.
Dear future “special someone”,
Every aspect of my life is nothing less than complicated. Even trying to explain why it’s that way now is complicated. My life is so chaotic right now it’s probably better that I haven’t found you yet or maybe I have we just haven’t realized everything yet. Just so you know, it’s only going to get a little more busier than it is right now. But here’s something that won’t be complicated, my relationship with you. I want you to be what takes me away from my complicated life. I want you to be the one who makes everything positive. I want you to be the one who makes me feel better after dealing with everything. I want you to be the one who knows that I need to loosen up and we’ll have these unplanned and spontaneous getaways.
I know that I’m a lot to handle. I’m dealing with so much right now and I’ve been broken for a long time now but I’m not asking you to fix me. I don’t want you to but there’s a hole in my heart that I know you will someday fill. So, take your time. I have a lot going on right now and I need to get my shit together before I decide to share my life with you.
In some ways, I feel like I’ll never find you, that you’re just a hopeless dream, a fantasy in the back of my mind, constantly reminding me that I can’t have someone to love. But the other side persuades the rest of me to continue believing in you. Believing that some day, we will find each other. And then I’ll be yours- truly, completely yours.
I will hold you one day, I will feel your head nestled in my neck, your smell will always linger upon me, I’ll hold your hands, and taste your lips. We will cuddle and look into each others eyes and I will feel at home for the first time. Maybe once we’re together I can fall asleep to the sound of your heartbeat and you breathing. That will be sweeter than any sound of music that I listen to.
Mindless thinking.
Sometimes at night I wonder how different things would be if one little thing never happened or happened in another way.
Has that ever occurred to you? Have you ever paused for a bit and thinked of stuff like, “What would have happened if…” and countless other What ifs? And it leads to one thing, and that one thing leads to another, and another, until you get something huge and something that impacts your life so much?
If you think about it, those little choices you thought weren’t so important, actually matter. Those minor details gradually end up being the final product that seemed so inevitable. You never saw how much actual control you had over it because you never really thought your choices completely through.
So it gets me thinking again. What kind of choices am I going to make today? Tomorrow? Next week? I see them as little things, but later in the future, what if they were more than that? Bigger and more important than you’d ever imagine.
I guess I’m just over thinking things again.
I’ve been dropped so much
That i actually ask myself why I still try. Why I still go out looking for one person to fill this “void” that I want filled. It’s ridiculous.
I just want, someday, to again be able to think of something, and feel so much that it consumes me, and say with every bit of conviction that, absolutely no one and nothing could ever compare. Is that too much to ask for?
I hate that feeling you get before you cry.
Especially when you try holding it in. You feel this kind of ache in your chest and a lump in your throat. You try holding your tears back and try to focus your mind on something else. Something happy. Something completely different than the situation you’re in. But even though your mind is elsewhere, you can’t do anything to those, already progressing tears in your eyes. So you wipe them, making sure nobody sees. You can’t cry, not right now.
